The Only Autumn Solace

I was thinking of October, and somehow I ended up here. I intended this Blog as a place to makes statements, to express inner happenings, and maybe, by accident, say something profound. That was in January. Not long after my first ridiculous (in retrospect) post, I was brutally reminded that being a full time students means being a student full time. Perhaps in 8 months I'll come back and read this and hold my recently passed self in contempt again.

I was thinking of October earlier. As I write, it's only 10 or so days away. It's probably my favorite Autumn month, I sincerely enjoy the neighborhood kids trick-or-treating. Two years ago, I offered them a choice of candy or random staples from the pantry. You might be surprised how many kids will gleefully walk away with a box of mac & cheese, a pack of Ramen soup, or a can of asparagus in their Halloween bags, seemingly for the sheer entertainment value. I know I was entertained. Last year was another story. No bags of candy, no trick or treaters. Last year was Houston.

I was thinking of October more than usual. I think I may be part mirror, because I find myself reflecting a lot these days. I was in a store earlier, looking at various items for home decoration, and found myself on the 'Frames' aisle. There before me was a full shelf of document frames (for diplomas, degrees, etc.), and I thought, "I'm gonna need one of these soon. I'm almost there. I've done this. Me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not the train I used to imagine, it's the beacon I set for myself, and only recently remembered. I'm so close ... how did that happen? My past has been such a winding path, and along the way, a handful of truly special people ..."

Now I'm thinking of October. It's the only safe month in fall. It's the only Autumn solace. Three of the most important people in my life, left October untouched. My father breathed his last, assisted, breaths on December 28, 2000. My grandmother, the matriach of who I am, and the woman who squeezed my hand on 01-01-01 as they buried my father, allowed her cancer to humiliate her no more, on September 10, 2001. And the last of their kind, my widowed papaw, who wasn't actually a blood relative, but never seemed to notice, took his own life at Thanksgiving, 2006. None of this makes any sense. I only know that I miss them daily. I wish things were otherwise. I wish I could ask my father the stupid things sons tend to solicit and ignore. How do I pick a lawnmower? How do I cook on the grill? What if my wife leaves? Where are you Dad? Did you hear what I said to you through the coma? Did you know I was there? Did you watch me watching you? Why didn't you wake up? Isn't there some way you could have said goodbye? Why am I so selfish? I really messed things up between us. Among all of us.

I someone's child, and someone's grandchild. I'm even someone's step-grandchild. But only in the past tense. Every September, November, and December is filled with the fear that you all will be there when I'm asleep, and the even deeper fear that you all will not be there when I wake. Those months are filled with the memories I cherish, but which are fading. I can't hear you laugh anymore. I can't recall those particular smells. Nothing is quite the same. I hope against dread for the presence of ghosts, but there are none to be had, tragically, and thankfully. So I live in October, whose highlights are reserved for other peoples' memories. I'm glad I can participate.

A beginning.

January 20, 2009. A date among dates. This date will be known, set apart, & remembered, throughout the world, for ages to come. A day when things changed, and a day when things began. This is a day people have been needing for many long years. A day which, in the course of our human journey, shall be heralded & reflected upon. On this day, this hallowed day, the darkness was ripped asunder and the righteous light poured out upon a landscape scarred by permanent shadow. On this day, a wall built of fear and hatred, of bigotry and malice, of doubt & despondence was toppled. In an explosion of hope, a breach was made; and in through the breach stepped... bros-not-foes.

Oh, and something happened on TV too. More to come.

Auxilia humilia firma consensus facit.

- Syrus